Still waiting….

I really hate waiting. I know, who does? But I really, really, really hate waiting. It’s one of the reasons I started knitting, a portable way to kill time and have something to show for it. It is hard enough when you are waiting for something good to happen, but when you are waiting for something you know is going to be bad or worse, time seems to all but stand still.

I am seriously not good at waiting either. I am not, nor ever have been, a particularly patient person. I am a doer, a fixer, a sort-it-out-and-make-it-all-better kind of girl. Sitting around, trying to pretend everything is normal seems ridiculous to me. I like to get busy, and see progress and decisions followed by big action. Like many others I suppose, I feel better with constructive activity that shows purpose and produces results. You can load me up with a list a mile long, and as long as it gets me to the goal, I’m ok with that. In this regard, work is driving me crazy, as projects results are hard to come by and are long and arduous journeys. Not a very good distraction at the moment I’m afraid. And you might think that all this restlessness would translate into house cleaning frenzy, but no, this is not to be either. I may have the time but certainly not the inclination. The disorder suits my frame of mind.

I am un-focused, and I so I fidget, bite my nails, pick fluff off my sweater, over groom the poor cat, move piles from one side of the room to the other. I fuss over small things and people and I’m restless and have a hard time sitting still for long. And yet with all this energy I can’t seem to get anything accomplished. I flit from one task to another, pick up one project only to abandon it minutes later for another. I try to watch TV but the shows are trite and irritating and the people infuriating with their petty lives and problems, I want to reach into the TV and slap them and so I flick from one station to another but there is nothing that holds my attention. I try to watch the news but the gods are against me with every evening report bringing stories of the inadequacies of our provincial health care system, which send me over the roof with frustration. I try to read books, newspapers, magazines, but halfway through I realize I haven’t a clue what I just read.

My thoughts are scattered, interrupted, un-organized. It has taken me a week just to begin to write again, and even last night I voiced to Susan that I was still having difficulties with my words being all jumbled up like tangled yarn inside my head. In the middle of typing I find myself just staring at the wall, my brain twirling around.

I have hardly knit, working on just the second of my Knitpicks socks, which under normal circumstances would be well finished by now, but I only just started the heel flap last night. My fingers have forgotten their rhythm, and while working without careful watching, I am tink-ing back more than I am knitting, adding more to my growing frustrations.

I am doing my best to follow good advice to keep mind and body busy, and know that if I am successful, the time will eventually pass and all too soon we will receive the information we are seeking. This week there was a TAFK night, with yummy birthday cake for the other Kate, and last night was KnitNight at the Pinecrest Chapters, which is a great way to be distracted by all the other knitters and their projects. I picked up the Yarn Harlot’s new book in hopes that not only would it be entertaining (that’s guaranteed!) but that it’s short essay format would be an easier read on my frazzled brain cells. Tomorrow is a friends Stag and Doe, and dinner beforehand with more friends.

My friends, my extraordinary friends, are solidly beside me, those who know checking in frequently, listening patiently, offering up all manners of support, help and distraction. And those who don’t know yet, intuitively knowing as women do on some level that something is amiss, and holding their questions and waiting patiently for whatever is to come.

And as a family we are beginning to feel some of the initial shock finally starting wearing off, as reality sets in. And although gravely serious, the possibility of finally receiving long sought-after answers has offered at last some sense of pending relief.

Hummm - looks like some of the problems with getting the words out is starting to be rectified, if I look above this line. But I am still waiting……….

Knit on………..