Some news is not always better than no news…

We have news.

The kind of news that no one can bear to hear spoken aloud lest it become more real than it already is.
The kind of news that clips you in the shoulder, without a passing glance, to see if you stayed on your feet – which of course you didn’t.
The kind of news that spins you off your axis and plops you right on your ass, leaving you dazed and confused, wondering what the hell just happened?
The kind of news that doesn’t even pass the Kleenex box when your eyes fill with tears, and run silently down your face.

For the past few mornings when I get out of bed, the planet beneath my feet seems shifty like when you are standing on a boat trying to keep your footing. On the surface nothing appears to have changed, and yet my eyes feel like they are looking through a warped pane of glass and everything has changed and is slightly askew.

We have been told to ready ourselves for a battle. A battle for a life they say. And so with the help of friends and family we have begun to prepare. The phone is ringing and the e-mail is full, the messages full of love and hope.

And within my little knitting world, the best of the best have come to be with us. One by one they have come to stand with our little family hand in hand, holding us just a little closer to their hearts, their purpose clear in their eyes. They are there for us and we are grateful beyond measure. And their hope is knitting us a safety net to catch the bits and pieces of our hearts and hold them together while we ready for what is to come next.

And while I am held together in their loving embrace, I am knitting too. Knitting my way through the tears and the anger and the immense fear that is threatening to swallow me up. I am knitting my way towards hope.

One stitch after another, my fingers are finding the rhythm again, seeking solace and comfort in the simple ritual of passing string over stick. No fancy stuff here, just simple repetition over and over, soothing my swirling thoughts, passing the time as we wait for the rest of the news.

Knit on……….

Still waiting….

I really hate waiting. I know, who does? But I really, really, really hate waiting. It’s one of the reasons I started knitting, a portable way to kill time and have something to show for it. It is hard enough when you are waiting for something good to happen, but when you are waiting for something you know is going to be bad or worse, time seems to all but stand still.

I am seriously not good at waiting either. I am not, nor ever have been, a particularly patient person. I am a doer, a fixer, a sort-it-out-and-make-it-all-better kind of girl. Sitting around, trying to pretend everything is normal seems ridiculous to me. I like to get busy, and see progress and decisions followed by big action. Like many others I suppose, I feel better with constructive activity that shows purpose and produces results. You can load me up with a list a mile long, and as long as it gets me to the goal, I’m ok with that. In this regard, work is driving me crazy, as projects results are hard to come by and are long and arduous journeys. Not a very good distraction at the moment I’m afraid. And you might think that all this restlessness would translate into house cleaning frenzy, but no, this is not to be either. I may have the time but certainly not the inclination. The disorder suits my frame of mind.

I am un-focused, and I so I fidget, bite my nails, pick fluff off my sweater, over groom the poor cat, move piles from one side of the room to the other. I fuss over small things and people and I’m restless and have a hard time sitting still for long. And yet with all this energy I can’t seem to get anything accomplished. I flit from one task to another, pick up one project only to abandon it minutes later for another. I try to watch TV but the shows are trite and irritating and the people infuriating with their petty lives and problems, I want to reach into the TV and slap them and so I flick from one station to another but there is nothing that holds my attention. I try to watch the news but the gods are against me with every evening report bringing stories of the inadequacies of our provincial health care system, which send me over the roof with frustration. I try to read books, newspapers, magazines, but halfway through I realize I haven’t a clue what I just read.

My thoughts are scattered, interrupted, un-organized. It has taken me a week just to begin to write again, and even last night I voiced to Susan that I was still having difficulties with my words being all jumbled up like tangled yarn inside my head. In the middle of typing I find myself just staring at the wall, my brain twirling around.

I have hardly knit, working on just the second of my Knitpicks socks, which under normal circumstances would be well finished by now, but I only just started the heel flap last night. My fingers have forgotten their rhythm, and while working without careful watching, I am tink-ing back more than I am knitting, adding more to my growing frustrations.

I am doing my best to follow good advice to keep mind and body busy, and know that if I am successful, the time will eventually pass and all too soon we will receive the information we are seeking. This week there was a TAFK night, with yummy birthday cake for the other Kate, and last night was KnitNight at the Pinecrest Chapters, which is a great way to be distracted by all the other knitters and their projects. I picked up the Yarn Harlot’s new book in hopes that not only would it be entertaining (that’s guaranteed!) but that it’s short essay format would be an easier read on my frazzled brain cells. Tomorrow is a friends Stag and Doe, and dinner beforehand with more friends.

My friends, my extraordinary friends, are solidly beside me, those who know checking in frequently, listening patiently, offering up all manners of support, help and distraction. And those who don’t know yet, intuitively knowing as women do on some level that something is amiss, and holding their questions and waiting patiently for whatever is to come.

And as a family we are beginning to feel some of the initial shock finally starting wearing off, as reality sets in. And although gravely serious, the possibility of finally receiving long sought-after answers has offered at last some sense of pending relief.

Hummm - looks like some of the problems with getting the words out is starting to be rectified, if I look above this line. But I am still waiting……….

Knit on………..

Breathing deeply into a paper bag....

Its been quiet here, I know. As we say in our family, we are having a moment. I hope you understand.

And although it is not going to be a short moment, I hope we'll have our little sail boat uprighted and catching the spring breeze shortly. I am not sure if I will share it with you, it's not exactly up to me, but I'm breathing into a paper bag as slowly as I can. Knitting seems futile but it is the only thing that is keeping me from running amuck in the streets, pulling my hair out and scratching my eyes.

Please keep my little family in your hearts, and I'll be back as soon as I can.

Knit on.....

Spring is in the air!

I can see my rock garden – ok, about a half a square foot of it! I’m taking this as a sure sign that Spring is imminent. We are grasping at anything that remotely resembles Spring-like conditions around here. And with today’s –15*C windchill, we need all the Spring-y reminders we can get! So much for March going out like a lamb, as the saying goes. April is sounding like a pack of howling hyenas! Last night the house was fairly rocking and banging with the 50km windy gusts, and I feared my birch tree would finally give up the fight to stay upright, but this morning at 5:00am when I peeked out to survey the damage in the dim morning light, it was still there, standing proudly!

The first of the Knitpicks socks is almost finished – sadly, there has been some bleeding of the yarn, staining my hands badly as I knit. I am hoping it will wash out without fading the socks too badly, as I love the vibrant colorway. I called Knitpicks customer service to discuss the concern, and I have to say they were absolutely fantastic, and sending replacement yarn immediately at no expense to me. A different colorway mind you, as I preferred not to receive the same dye lot. What a delight to speak with the staff there – they even went out to the warehouse to select another colorway for me, describing the lovely colors of the new Peacock Multi colorway that I ultimately selected! I won’t be having any concerns with placing future orders I can tell you, especially with customer service like that!

And in anticipation of Spring renewal, a spring clean housekeeping issue if you will (pun intended!). This evening the G-man and I are re-doing our wills, which are badly out-dated, pre-dating even our purchase of our current house some 5 years ago! I have been badgering him for ages now, even to the extent of threatening this last vacation south to not go if the appointment wasn’t at least made! And even then I threatened to make the appointment myself with another lawyer, as he “kept forgetting” to call the lawyer he wanted to use. What is with these guys – I hear more lamenting from wives about the struggle they have with their significant others about getting a will in place, and I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t experienced it first hand. It seems they, the G-man and the like, think that if they make a will, then they are tempting certain fate (I hear this a common theme amongst policemen, firemen, enforcement types, etc.). To them it’s like a Murphy’s Law kind of thing. If you do you die! It’s crazy talk! Certain terrible fate awaits those who are left behind if there is no will in place Boys, so get off your kesters and git‘er done! Your wife will love you for it!

Knit on….

I’m still here…….

I’m just hiding.

Because I am knitting socks again.

Not knitting my Citrine socks.

Not knitting any of my other WIP’s either.

Just knitting my Knitpicks Essentials Sock Yarn socks.

Because I want to.

Because they are for me.

Because no one will tell me not to.

Because I’m the boss of my knitting.

So there.

I’m still hiding.

Knit on……..