I’ve been gone a long time, and I had thought that when I came back to my blogging world it would be with a renewed sense of purpose and energy. I thought that after we, and especially DD1, rested from slaying the dragon, I would be on such a high that the words here would practically write themselves. I though we would resume our easy days, and the enjoyable little diversions from the daily grind would resume, and life would go on. My simple knitting forays of the New Year would once again take center stage.

Call me cocky, foolish, over-confident, or naïve, whatever you will – I thought for sure DD1 had rigged the fight, with her as the undisputed victor. That the battle against Hodgkin’s would be over by Christmas and the New Year would find her standing inside the fight ring, raising her hands high and accepting the applause and accolades she so truly deserves for a battle well fought. I allowed myself to think it was over, she had won, and life goes on.

So when she came to us last week, barely one month post end of chemo, and asked us to stop watching TV and listen - this only two days after her follow-up PET scan - my heart tripped, my confidence cracked, and a week later my gut still feels like someone hit me. I was wrong. I was fooled. I feel tricked out of something that I thought was somehow rightfully ours, or rather hers, to have. I foolishly thought it was, well, a done deal. I thought we, she, had beaten the odds.

The problem is, her opponent didn’t play fair and stay down for the count of 10. Her opponent still stands, and has the gleam of a comeback clear in his eyes. He has refused to be beaten, and my certainty in the outcome of this fight is shaken to the core. I was certain, you see, because I have absolutely no doubt in the strength of my daughter. It has long been known that you don’t mess with her and walk away unscathed. Her ability to endure, overcome, persevere and continue knows no limits; her courage is, and always has been, beyond measure. I know this about her without question and I have always known it. She is, quite simply, a winner.

I am paralyzed in a way I never have been before. I feel thick headed and foggy and directionless. My words stick in my throat, and what comes out is not always what I really want to say. Mere thoughts make my eyes tear up. I watch the TV, read a book, listen to the radio, and something or someone brings me to tears. Where the first time through this fight I was able to quickly corral my emotions into action, this time I am having trouble. I am lost like I have never been. And as a parent, it is remarkably frightening. I can only begin to imagine how DD1 is feeling and yet she continues to show remarkable leadership and drive.

Yesterday evening I ventured out to a Guild meeting. I haven’t seen most of my knitter pals since well before Christmas. Understanding, as knitter-ly women are apt to do, they knew instinctively that all was not well and without a word the hugs began and went on and on and on. We huddled together, too many for the small table, and I relaxed in their comforting presence, drew refreshment from the rowdy laughter, and my mind gratefully accepted the welcome diversion they provided.

Today DD1 has undertaken to begin to change our eating habits to “clean” organic foods (see this magazine http://www.cleaneatingmag.com/minisite/ce_index.htm for ideas on how to do this). No easy task as we are slow old fools and set in our ways. Next up is a complete swap out of all non-organic household cleaners. It is all a bit over-whelming, and I am still stumbling out of the starting gate, but DD1 is off and running, her determination to effect major change for maximum health benefit now setting a new bar inside the family to reach. But she is right. She has no more time to waste. She cannot leave anything to chance as round 2 commences.

To kick start the need for rest and rejuvenation during this temporary eight week hiatus before DD1’s next match begins, the family is jetting to Barbados on Monday. One whole glorious week of sun and sand. No snow, no minus –20* plus wind chill, and no transit strike (yes- it is still on, day 42)!!We’ll make the most it. There is no more time to waste.

Now what should I knit while I’m vacationing? Here’s what I’ll have to work around: