One thrum at a time.....

I think I am finally recovering from my pre-holiday bloggers burn-out. Not that I was ever a prolific blogger to begin with. Not like that Susan anyway, who faithfully hits the keyboard every couple of days with her entertaining stories about dancing and school, and pictures of her incredible FO’s! I so admire her commitment to the blog! I was always glad to just get around to blogging at least once a week. By early last fall I was happy if I got an entry in once a month!
But somewhere around November of last year, it all become too much – the calendar was full, DD1’s chemo was coming to an end after a long eight months and her exhaustion and the long term effects were constant, and I just couldn’t focus on anything else except getting through each days. The holidays loomed, the transit strike sucked the life out of me – the 4:30am mornings had me falling into bed at 8:30pm, the freezing temperatures - which never excite me at the best of times - had me grumbling about extreme layers of clothing required just to survive, and more recently the news that DD1 will have to continue her extreme fight against Hodgkin’s just knocked me flat on my ass. My brain was foggy, my energy had flat-lined, and writing was out of the question.
But now I find I want to blog a bit again, just a few words, here and there. I’ve missed it, and you! I am taking it as a good sign.
So where am I at these days?
1. We’ve been on holiday – me, the G-man, DD1 & DD2, the whole dang family – Barbados was gorgeous, sunny, and the warmth seeped some life back into my body and mind.
2. The transit strike is finally over after 51 days, and the buses running, and although that means that work here in Transit Supply is ciaos, I can manage.
3. The weather here is fine – only one coat required, and no shovelling. I can do that.
4. And DD1 has re-ignited the flames of determination, and with a take-no-prisoners style, is teaching the family all about “Clean Eating” and “Clean Living” to help ready her body for the next stage of her treatment. It can only do us all good!
5. And, after numerous projects being cast on that have been laid aside for various reasons, most of which have nothing to do with the project but more to do with my fuddled brain, I have found a small knitting project that is actually pleasing me immensely. See here?:

Yup – thrummed mittens! I’ve never knit a pair before. With yarn from my stash, which makes me doubly happy! Cottage Craft worsted weight, from my trip a few summers back to St. Andrew’s, New Brunswick. The roving is Fleece Artist – now how could I resist the chance to pop up the thrums with those gorgeous colors! The pattern is from Yarn Forward, their own shop version.

They are for my Mum since she recently told me how she showed up for snow-shoeing at my sister’s farm wearing only a pair of Dad’s old woolly work socks on her hands – she couldn’t find her mitts!

My knitterly disbelief was enormous – how could I have let this happen? My very own mother did not have a pair of handmade woollen mittens? How could I have not made her a simple pair of mitts by this point in my knitting career? I was mortified enough to dive into my stash immediately and pull out some straights and drive over to Yarn Forward to procure some suitable roving!

I’m loving them, and so does everyone else in the house! I can see that thrummed mitts will be intermittently my future for a bit. That’s ok, I’m ready for a break from just toting around socks in my purse!

Knit on………….

I’ve been gone a long time, and I had thought that when I came back to my blogging world it would be with a renewed sense of purpose and energy. I thought that after we, and especially DD1, rested from slaying the dragon, I would be on such a high that the words here would practically write themselves. I though we would resume our easy days, and the enjoyable little diversions from the daily grind would resume, and life would go on. My simple knitting forays of the New Year would once again take center stage.

Call me cocky, foolish, over-confident, or naïve, whatever you will – I thought for sure DD1 had rigged the fight, with her as the undisputed victor. That the battle against Hodgkin’s would be over by Christmas and the New Year would find her standing inside the fight ring, raising her hands high and accepting the applause and accolades she so truly deserves for a battle well fought. I allowed myself to think it was over, she had won, and life goes on.

So when she came to us last week, barely one month post end of chemo, and asked us to stop watching TV and listen - this only two days after her follow-up PET scan - my heart tripped, my confidence cracked, and a week later my gut still feels like someone hit me. I was wrong. I was fooled. I feel tricked out of something that I thought was somehow rightfully ours, or rather hers, to have. I foolishly thought it was, well, a done deal. I thought we, she, had beaten the odds.

The problem is, her opponent didn’t play fair and stay down for the count of 10. Her opponent still stands, and has the gleam of a comeback clear in his eyes. He has refused to be beaten, and my certainty in the outcome of this fight is shaken to the core. I was certain, you see, because I have absolutely no doubt in the strength of my daughter. It has long been known that you don’t mess with her and walk away unscathed. Her ability to endure, overcome, persevere and continue knows no limits; her courage is, and always has been, beyond measure. I know this about her without question and I have always known it. She is, quite simply, a winner.

I am paralyzed in a way I never have been before. I feel thick headed and foggy and directionless. My words stick in my throat, and what comes out is not always what I really want to say. Mere thoughts make my eyes tear up. I watch the TV, read a book, listen to the radio, and something or someone brings me to tears. Where the first time through this fight I was able to quickly corral my emotions into action, this time I am having trouble. I am lost like I have never been. And as a parent, it is remarkably frightening. I can only begin to imagine how DD1 is feeling and yet she continues to show remarkable leadership and drive.

Yesterday evening I ventured out to a Guild meeting. I haven’t seen most of my knitter pals since well before Christmas. Understanding, as knitter-ly women are apt to do, they knew instinctively that all was not well and without a word the hugs began and went on and on and on. We huddled together, too many for the small table, and I relaxed in their comforting presence, drew refreshment from the rowdy laughter, and my mind gratefully accepted the welcome diversion they provided.

Today DD1 has undertaken to begin to change our eating habits to “clean” organic foods (see this magazine http://www.cleaneatingmag.com/minisite/ce_index.htm for ideas on how to do this). No easy task as we are slow old fools and set in our ways. Next up is a complete swap out of all non-organic household cleaners. It is all a bit over-whelming, and I am still stumbling out of the starting gate, but DD1 is off and running, her determination to effect major change for maximum health benefit now setting a new bar inside the family to reach. But she is right. She has no more time to waste. She cannot leave anything to chance as round 2 commences.

To kick start the need for rest and rejuvenation during this temporary eight week hiatus before DD1’s next match begins, the family is jetting to Barbados on Monday. One whole glorious week of sun and sand. No snow, no minus –20* plus wind chill, and no transit strike (yes- it is still on, day 42)!!We’ll make the most it. There is no more time to waste.

Now what should I knit while I’m vacationing? Here’s what I’ll have to work around: